Before I carry on, let me be clear that this has nothing to do with the K-drama with the same title. I must admit though that it was a beautiful drama series.
Since the onset of Covid-19 five years ago, there have been a handful of deaths among family and friends. Intellectually, I would accept that as something natural, that we're all going to experience that at some point in time. However, emotionally it is something painful and difficult. Indeed, as Dr Abercio Rotor, one of my professors in UST Graduate School, would put it "[in the death of a loved one] there is a part of us that has also died."
This came really true in my father's passing.
Being the eldest among my siblings, I have tried my best to show composure during bereavement. When my paternal grandmother passed away twenty five years ago, I kept myself busy with contacting other relatives, friends, and acquaintances to inform them of the sad news (my Lola died and was buried in the States), made arrangements for a Requiem Mass, etc. Before I know it, I was just carrying on as normal...not!
During New Year's Eve 2000, as I was saying Grace before our medianoche, I broke down in tears. It was only then that I was able to mourn for my Lola's passing.
Fast forward, when I arrived in Oklahoma this May, I was shown the room where Papa passed away two days previously. My bed was already fixed, on the same spot where he died. I knelt before the bed and said my prayers, and cried. Kristina, my youngest sister, consoled me and gave me a hug.
I thought that our family puts up a strong face during such sorrowful events, but I was wrong. Everyone shed a tear for Papa. Everyone showed how vulnerable they were at the loss of a loved one.
As we left the crematorium, I tried to maintain my composure. But when my sister Nicola asked, "Are you OK?", I couldn't hide my grief. For a few minutes, we were just there in the car park crying.
The moral of the story is this: if you have to cry, then cry. It can be privately - I find visits before the Blessed Sacrament to be quite an uplifting experience. It can be with family or friends that you can trust. Allow yourself to mourn. Don't bottle it up like a firecracker that once ignited would be blown into smithereens. There are moments in life, such as bereavement, when it's OK not to be OK.
